Some Thoughts on Marriage













Man is given the choice between loving women and understanding them.   




















Marriage is like a 3 ring circus


  • First there's the engagement ring,
  • Next comes the wedding ring,
  • Finally there's the suffering.




















   Driving is better than sex; and it takes less oil, and the payments are smaller, and I'm not stopping in the middle for directions, and after I park I don't have to talk.                 From 'Everybody Loves Raymond'




















Vacation


   My friend Jim told me that when he asked his wife where she wanted to go on vacation, she said that being married to him was a vacation. When I commented that was a nice thing to say to him, Jim replied, "Well, actually, what she said was I was the 'last resort.'"




















Dear TechSupport:

   Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

   In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, it simply crashes the system.

   I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

      Signed,
      Desperate





Dear Desperate:

   First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: "G :/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

   WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create SnoringLoudly errors.

   CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

   In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

      Good Luck
      Technical Support















   Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and a spade too.




















  Pharmacist to customer... "Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription...Simply showing marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough".














If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it will always be yours.

If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize you set it free...

You either married it or gave birth to it.




















RED SKELTON’S RECIPE
FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE




1)   Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2)   We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.

3)   I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.





4)   I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. She said…‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ So I suggested the kitchen.

5)   We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6)   She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said ‘There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!’ So I bought her an electric chair.





7)   My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, ‘In the lake.’

8)   She got a mud-pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9)   She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, ‘Am I too late for the garbage?’ The driver said, ‘No, jump in!’





10)   Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11)   I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

12)   I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.

13)   The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, ‘What’s on the TV?’ I said, ‘Dust!’





















The Seven Words Every Woman Longs to Hear:

I Love You ..... There I Said It!




















    Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?

    A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.




















   God noticed that Adam was lonely. He said to him "Adam, I am going to give you the perfect companion. She'll cook and clean and listen, she's perfect."

   Adam replied, "What will she cost me?"God said, "An arm and a leg."Shocked, Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"




















A Sign Beside a Church

God's Garden:
Peas of mind,
Squash gossip,
Turnip for church,
Beet the Devil,
Lettuce be kind.




















   I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's giving me now.




















    My wife and I are a temperamental couple... I’ve got a temper and she’s mental.




















   Top 3 things that need a witness:

        1)  A crime
        2)  An accident
        3)  A marriage




















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